Mixed emotions. I don't know what I am feeling right now, but I just feel so gloomy inside. When can I ever say to myself that I really do feel happy.

I broke up with him tonight. I've been emotionally depress lately, I don't know the reason, maybe PMS? Oh well, damn hormones. This break up has a lot of benefits but it can also contribute to a more emotionally downfall. It breaks my heart that I am the one breaking up. In my mind and my heart, I know he is all that I want, that I ever needed. Maybe this would have to be the time that I will give time for myself, more on my studies. The breakup was so easy, I doubt that this breakup will take long. Hey, this is my choice, I need to stick to it.

My passion for designing started when I was still a youngster. It was like I was meant to become a designer for things just fall into place, my family were the one who first influenced me to sketch. Then later it became more than just a child's play, it was then my hobby then, to sketch. I was beginning to understand forms, colors, and other things related to the work of art. Mine was different, I think, of course we're all differently able to do unique things. If I describe my work, it was just something more of what's unreal but thinking that it could be possible. Creativity needs to work with imagination that I think of. Everything I do is inspired, sadness even inspires me more to do beautiful things. Sadness for me becomes a blessing for it is my motivation to make wonders of art. I then realized that everything in this world is beautiful, like an artist appreciates the color of the dirt...how intricate it would be to blend colors just to make a beautiful image of a dirt. I am in awe for all artists for they make things beautiful in their own unique ways. As of now, I am a student nurse, I really do wish that I could easily pass through this course then proceed to interior designing. It is so hard to force myself to love something that is stranger to my world, accepted yet not familiar to my existence. I don't belong in the world of science, but it has taught me a lot of things which I can maybe apply to my interior designing career someday. It is the act of care that I should give to my clients... Especially when it comes to designing for their houses, I should make it them a home for which they are not at risk of any harm that could affect their health. Also, I would be much concerned with my co-workers in regards to their whole well-being... -end- I am already sleepy as of this very moment, I should continue this, and improve this...later, when I woke up, or when I do have time... Good night.

I am such in a dismay right now for the reason that David just keeps on lying on me. What the heck am I still continuing this relationship? I know that he is really lying for the reason that I still spy on him, I still know what his actions are. I can't really trust him, damn, how can I ever change that if he keeps on lying to me? Despite that he got caught, he will still be finding random reasons to cover up all his lies, which I am so annoyed with. Who the hell is he to treat me like that? Are boys really made to hurt girls? I am just in awe for all his lies that was hidden to me for all those things we're together. How can I be just with this guy despite everything he did me? I want to burst in anger, also shame for myself. But, I just put it through writing instead. For I am trying to keep myself calm right now, sooner or later I will be happy in someone else's arms, hopefully it would be sooner. Oh well, what is the matter with him? Another question would have to be WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME? I need a plan, really! A plan to leave him, a plan that wouldn't hurt me, that he would be the one who will suffer all the pain he has given to me. I know that I am not capable of doing so because I am easily moved. Oh well, whatever happens in the future, all I want is a life without him by my side, a peaceful life. I would want to be with someone whom I could trust. With him, trusting is very IMPOSSIBLE. With that kind of attitude he also shows to me, DOES HE HAVE PLANS IN LIFE??? FOR THE BETTERMENT??? I do think he is too lazy, I really think that he doesn't take things in life seriously, all he want is happiness for himself. He is not aware that everything around him is breaking into pieces, divided then soon will be gone. He has a lot of friends, I know, but he is very dependent. He irritates me a lot, A LOT! What the heck is he trying to do with his life? SUCH A MESS! I know that I don't have the right to judge someone. What I am feeling right now is anger... I know that it will fade, I want it to fade... I just want to gather my thoughts right now, and see what's happening around me is a nightmare. Trying to live in a fantasy which is really far from the reality. I need a fairytale life, a reality one...

The Royal Wedding.

Most of the women wants a happy relationship which is really possible. I would make the Royal Wedding as an example, well, they're not perfect but they're are example to a perfect yet not perfect couple. Do you get what I mean? For some reasons, I envy them, but I am happy for them for they got married happily and they truly love each other compared to the other royal weddings. What are people forced to love that certain person even if there are no sparks or no fireworks at all? Oh well, TRADITION! TRADITION, TRADITION, it is all because of tradition... It is so lame, why can't people think of the consequences it might lead to if they force marriage between two strangers who actually are not in love. Some forced marriages might end up in love, but love shouldn't be forced. Love should only be the one who will ignite the hearts of two people, that it should be the only one who will bring two hearts close to each other. It should be the one that will bind the two persons. Oh well, I am losing words. ENOUGH of it! I am kind of bitter nowadays for I never felt that David loves me.

I am so effing bored right now. Can't think of interesting things to do, but Facebook. Oh well, I've been seeking David's attention nowadays, yet he seems not that interested. Am I being too boring for him? What should I do to make myself cool? For some random reasons I can't be cool for I have a bad attitude that I need to change, why did I got this from my mom? SIGH! I want to be outgoing, SPONTANEOUS, down-to-earth, FUNNY, gorgeous...in the eyes of many people! Yet I can't be all, I am not that confident enough to be one. Though I am really capable to be one... I think I should start all these plans with a SMILE on my face that could truly change something in me. I used to smile, like A LOT! People always love to comment on me that I'm this girl who always smiles, so warm. SO??? I should be that kind of person. About my attitude, it's really a problem, for it is innate. How can I ever change it? It's stupid. I've been thinking all about it, yet it just comes out so sudden. I think I have a lot of insecurities which I need to throw it out, put it somewhere I can never go back to. What to do with all these insecurities??? I HAVE NO IDEA! I am impressed of some people who can able to handle all those insecurities, and just remain calm and confident. They are beautiful people! Amazing how great they are. I am also aware that I have this childish behavior, oh my, how can I get rid of it? Do I need a rehab or what??? With all of these, I should really change myself, I desire to be perfect... Perfect in a sense that people could accept me as a good person, not someone who is a problem to them. Who should I follow to become a good role model? Of course, Jesus, there is no other one. But He is PERFECT, I cannot be like Him. He is an amazing kind, one of a kind, He is the God. I can't follow His perfection but I can make Him as my leader, I am His follow. Lord, please guide me through making my attitude not irritating to the people. Guide me to become a good person that I can be.

Apparently, most of the people have insecurities. They all have been wanting to be someone else, that includes me. I daydream a lot that I am that famous person who's everybody is dying to meet. That people is so cool that people who hang out with her would be in awe. But, I am not that person, I can't totally be like that. I am 5 feet tall and I have all the insecurities, including being the best for my boyfriend. I am afraid that he'll left me for the reason that I am not enough for him. I know that I should be happy for who I am but why are all these insecurities kept on following me. I think I did my best for him, despite all the mistakes he did for me. I guess I wasn't loving myself more, I should be more selfish for a little bit for the reason that if I lose him, I'll also lose myself. Because my world is currently revolved around with this guy. I should plan my future without him, I did, the problem is am I really heading to that ideal future of mine? Not really, for my sake I think I should have loved myself more, because I have given him more that I have also lost myself. Who Am I? I am no longer Arianne, I am David's Arianne. What the heck is that? I should change that image of mine. People think that he is so much cool, but it won't be that long. I should change that image to "they're both so cool, I'm jealous"... Oh well, how to start that? I just need to be true to myself, I also need to change my attitude. How? Experiences taught me that it's no good to be feeling guilty all the time for what I did, so? I should be more careful with my actions, words also... I should be THINKING MORE!!!! If I did that since I started to realize everything, I think I would be a great person, someone cool. Everybody commits mistakes, I did, a lot of times. The important thing is that people would realize not to do it again, and again. Really, I've been thinking, David did cheat on me for more than once, does it make me stupid? For some reason yes, I didn't break up with me. I gave him a chance to change which is quite impossible. People do change, but for him, with that kind of personality...it would require A LOT OF DISCIPLINE. It's his life, not mine. So what to do? I'll just lay everything to the Lord.

Lord, I know that You told us to love one another. Yet, it still breaks my heart because the past always reminds that it's no good. I have forgiven him, but why does it still hurts so bad? If I would open up this to my parents, they would be completely against David. I know they are right because they know what's best for me. Lord, really, I don't want this kind of relationship, yes we're happy...just not that happiness that I used to feel, it's another kind of happiness... Lord, I have sinned against you, many times. I know that I have also hurt you, Lord forgive me for everything. If only I could repay everything I did, please guide me to goodness. Please guide me with my relationship with David. I think we don't deserve each other, we're close, yes... But Lord, guide me, guide us to a better relationship... I know that it won't be possible for a few months or even years... But I just want a non-stressful relationship... Lord, thank you for everything! Amen.